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I'm late for my self imposed blogging pipeline...I wanted to hold myself accountable to writing every 2 weeks. I have delayed writing because I genuinely didn't know how to articulate my sense of frustration and emptiness.

My general check-ups have all gone well, thank God! I became excited about the prospect of the first procedure in my breast reconstruction journey (next week). Having spoken to my incredibly patient surgeon, who once again went through every single one of my questions.

Then 2 things happened to once again completely unsettle and plunge me back to feeling as though I'm treading water, unable to move forward.

One of those things was a change in management at work - again!!!

Secondly was having to undergo a follow-up test, to ensure that all is well health wise. It's a common test which in itself would not necessarily cause any woman major stress, but anything that brings up even the slightest possibility that something may be found is incredibly unsettling. Especially with the uncertainty of work, it feels as though every time I try and take 2 steps forward I end up taking 2 steps back.

It's frustrating and to be honest it's just p*ssing me off! It must bore people to read the same thing over and over in this blog, a see-saw of tediousness stuck in this never ending merry-go-round. It's left me feeling completely uninspired and finding connecting with others very underwhelming.

My former manager, who has familial understanding of the impact this illness has, told me something which struck me silent. She said:

"you walk a lonely road with this illness and the aftermath. You have to develop a pool of resources you can draw from when something like this happens"!

Words that inspired me and made me realise that I was relying on those around me to make me feel better, rather than grab the bulls by the horn and do something about it myself.

So, stuff you frustration and uncertainty I’ve grown tired of the hold you’ve had over me.

No more self-pity and holding myself back from dreaming and feeling excited about the prospect of future possibilities. 

I started by attending a property workshop today (we can all dream of a magnificent property portfolio); had lunch with family and will go back to writing my book, articles and enjoy the brisk Winter air before my hospital visit next week.

Whatever life's surprises will bring in the future, I feel stronger in developing my bag of tricks to propel me forward, instead of seeing me withdraw into my shell frozen by fear and paralysed by the unknown.

Winter solstice over - bring on the promise of light :-)

Until the next musings xxx

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