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For a while now, I have been wanting to sit down and write…but something keeps holding me back. I can’t put my finger on it but perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I have been enjoying the disconnect between myself and anything cancer related.

Mind you, I have started my breast reconstruction journey, but that feels like moving forward and onwards, something positive. Anything else health related is automatically associated with cancer.

Just last week, a slight swelling of my leg led my GP to want to rule out a blood clot, and when that was ruled out, a CT Scan was required to eliminate any abdomen or pelvic abnormalities which may have been impacting on my leg.

Naturally, I am thankful for diligent doctors, but part of me is increasingly feeling resentful that This is not something I will ever shake off…the monkey on my back will always be there.

I haven’t wanted to write because it would mean having to deal with the monkey – and I’m sick of it, as I’m sure are others in similar circumstances.

So, how to deal with the monkey in a constructive and beneficial way? I decided that rather than writing a blog moaning and whinging about the monkey, that I would write a blog to it instead...

Dearest monkey,

Please get off my back! Give me some time to be normal… not have to undergo all these scans which cause me endless hours of distress and remove me from enjoying life with my loved ones.

Monkey please be my friend and show me can we can coexist without you irritating the shit out of me. If you have to remind me that my health is more important than work, can you please do it in a more gentle manner than scaring the life out of me. I know you’re looking out for me, and I know monkeys love families/ tribes/ communities – so it’s only natural you want to keep me healthy for mine but there’s gotta be a way to live in harmony rather than living in fear.

To get you monkey off my back, would mean getting rid of a much unwanted burden…but this is not something I can get rid of. Part of my irritation is that as much as you piss me off, you also remind me that I’m important! My health is important; life is to be lived and enjoyed – every now and again I need to swing from a tree and have a laugh (not literally…or maybe literally)...

According to the Chinese zodiac, the sign of the Monkey is Metal – which stands for brilliance and perseverance. The monkey spirit animal is a powerful symbol of good luck! Apparently because it represents a playful and light hearted version of ourselves…awakening our inner child!

So dearest monkey, let’s come to a compromise – I will seek to awaken my inner child, cheerfully living life and you go easy on the hand grenades. As we can’t live apart, let’s join forces - you look after me and I’ll look after you…I may even come to enjoy having the monkey on my back.

Embrace your monkey and happy musings


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