WHAT IF?

I've just reread my last post and I must admit that it made me chuckle..in the sense that, so much for trying to be present, mindful and to be with my breathing.

February is a difficult month for me.

It marks or is the anniversary of my remission...2 years and counting. In the lead up to the various check-ups, the old post traumatic feelings of anxiety, fear and anger crept in and lingered unexpectedly. 

Just as I think and feel I'm getting on top of things, I get knocked down.

The check-ups went well, doctors happy with progress - YAY (all but the old cholesterol). All very manageable and non-life threatening, so you'd think I'd be all cool with it right?

WRONG!!! 

To say that I was upset and disappointed in an understatement but what surprised me is that all the small practices I've been so mindful of to nurture myself, are so easily disrupted when unexpected news comes my way. My balance is indeed delicate, I get knocked down by a feather at times.

I must admit that I do recognise that when I'm tired, my capacity to deal with the unexpected diminishes and I just go into meltdown mode. I feel so out of control, and my energy goes into trying to control either my poor husband, or some silly thing that is of no consequence!

This fatigue has been so tightly linked to feeling frustrated working in a corporate environment, instead of devoting my time to more purposeful pursuits.

I ask anyone out there, for all the mindfulness and living with purpose, how do we realistically balance that with mortgage, bills and responsibilities? It's then that the big WHAT IF creeps in bringing along fear and anxiety.

What if I get ill again? What if not doing something purposeful means stress and then I get sick again? What if time is limited?....and on it goes.

And so, although February was not an easy month, things are turning around slowly. I am truly grateful that work is incredibly supportive, flexible, and providing stability and opportunities to explore purposeful work (if only whilst juggling a corporate job).  

I am thoroughly enjoying engaging in purposeful activities at work. I'm participating in a writing course and I'm loving exploring the writing process and the ideas it brings...and again it feels like the fog is lifting.

Blessed, honoured for the journey and grateful - until the next musing.

xxx